There may only be one kill on the board, but there are plenty of movers and shakers in our monthly Power Rankings. Our panel of experts spent hours debating the merits of each squad (aka flipping quarters, tournament style) to determine the following rankings. Who has the most potential? Which team is most likely to vault to the top with a 2-point kill? The answers are as follows.
1.
Tomorrow's History (Bruce) - Hard to argue anyone else should be number one, with Bruce having the only kill on the board to date. The History are top-heavy, with solid old folk leading the way, but don't appear to have any impact players under 50. Without the threat of a 2-point person keeling over to give them what would seem to be an insurmountable 3-0 lead on everyone else, the History aren't likely to pull away from the pack anytime soon. It could be another chapter to the Bruce Carlisle Story, quick start and then a slow, painful struggle to make it to the finish line.
2.
The Icons of America Assassin (Kristin) - Tough call here between Britney Spears' team and the Winehouse-led Pink is the New Death, but the Assassins get the nod due to their overall consistency and Britney's more complete history of being fucked up. Just remember, Bros before Hos, Rock beats Scissors, and when in doubt, take Crazy over Crackhead.
3.
Pink is the New Death (Emily, Kelly, Sarah) - Not that there's anything wrong with taking Crackhead. The question will be, can the rest of the Pink step up and keel over to give enough support to make a run at the title? Elizabeth Edwards will be the X-factor. Everyone agrees she will be a star in this league some day, but can she deliver as soon as 2008?
4.
The Death Blow (Goldfarbs et al) - For all the hype and attention we give our young celebrities, at the end of the year the bottom line is that the old folk are still your bread and butter when it comes to collecting points. It's easy to fall in love with prospects and potential, but they usually don't help you win in the present. And for that we salute the Blow, who are sitting pretty with one of the tried-and-true death picks, Fidel Castro. Yes, we know there is always the chance he died five years ago and they keep replacing him, but the benefits still outweigh the risk. Castro has been in power since the
Eisenhower Administration! Solid team.
5.
The Lucky Fours (Scott & Maile) - A bit overlooked on Draft Day, the Fours put together a very talented and diverse roster of old people consisting of the unemployed with little left to live for (Bob Barker), the diseased (Muhhamad Ali), and the alien robots (Dick Clark). They followed up that performance with a steady stream of under-50 crackheads. Well done.
6.
The Dead Parrots (David) - The Toronto Raptors of the Death Pool league, the Parrots remain the foreign team people forget about until they start making noise in the playoffs. Of course, if they really are the Raptors, then Trent Reznor will give up drugs, stop drinking, and start making Subway commericals with Jared until he gets traded to another team.
7.
DJ Valkyrie (Julie & Dee) - From the dark side come the Valkyrie, and nobody exemplifies the body and soul of the team more than Dr. Death himself, Jack Kevorkian. This hard-working soldier of suicide has been the ultimate teammate for several years, giving up his own potential points so others can profit. Will this be the year he finally makes the leap and becomes his own cash cow?
8.
Kiss of Death (Rodriguezes) - Quietly biding their time in the middle of the pack, the Kiss think they have enough to make a run, but need a few breaks. Zsa Zsa is a dependable pick, and teaming her up with the corpse of Andy Rooney should lead to points. But can anyone in the under-50 category become the third star to this team? The answer could depend on, of all things, the length of the writers' strike. The sooner the writers come back, the more live award shows, and the greater chance for Suge Knight to get shot or shanked. Come on, WGA, do it for the Kiss!
9.
Don't Fear The Reaper (Susan) - One of the few teams that may get a bigger boost from their under-50s than their old folk. Nicole Ritchie and Naomi Campbell are a lethal combo, and at least one will likely be retained by the Reapers if she doesn't die this year in the 2009 Keeper Draft.
10.
Kelly's Killers (Kelly) - David Crosby was a nice mid-round pickup, but the under-50's are a bit risky. Brad Pitt? Anderson Cooper? When your best bet to die in your under-50's is a fetus, that can't be good. Perhaps the Killers will laugh in the face of conventional wisdom, defy all logic, and pull a Anderson Cooper plane crash out of their ass, a la Aaliyah owners in 2001.
11.
MegaDeath (Megan) - While last year, the latecomers to the pool enjoyed a distinct advantage over the original teams, this year the opposite was true, as the pool had more teams, each of which was more prepared than the previous year. It is a sign of a true cultural phenomenom, but unfortunately it also meant MegaDeath would be working from behind. Given that context, they managed to come up with a quality squad, capitalizing on the rest of the league's inexplicable failure to draft Stephen Hawking (!), and picking up a few diamonds in the rough like Nick Hogan. You have to think a bit outside the box when a lot of names are off the table, and MegaDeath did a fine job.
12.
Highway to Hell (Brock) - The 2nd place finisher in the 2007 Death Pool appears to be suffering a classic case of the Runner-Up Slump (for an example, see the 2007 Chicago Bears). Sure, Queen Elizabeth II is nice, and Betty Ford can be productive, but what was he thinking with Magic Johnson in the 6th round? Jamal Tinsley?? Not even a late-round Greg Louganis pickup could save this team for being more unpleasantly reliant on old people than Cocoon. It will take a lot for the Hell to finish in the money this year.
13.
The Black Hand (Marc) - If these were power rankings for team names, the Hand would be at the top of the list. Unfortunately, sly WWI references don't get you a blank check in this competition. Daryl Strawberry's prime Death Pool years may be behind him, and John Daly's been mellow enough lately that his most likely death weapon isn't the bottle, but a Mama Cass ham sandwich. This is another team more top-heavy than its very own Pam Anderson.
14.
Bring Out Your Dead (Dana) - Another team that had to pick up players after everyone else had already chosen. Luckily, the Dead is no stranger to sloppy seconds (sorry, that was just set up way too easily). This team is actually capable of putting forward an impressive showing, with decent depth and few questionable calls, although Cameron Diaz is a bit puzzling. Perhaps we haven't been reading Page Six as close as we should. H.W. Bush and Hugo Chavez headline a decent group of potential corpses.
15.
OC Angels (Andrea, Amanda & Jen) - Automatically last place, at least for this first ranking, for picking John Wooden. The Karma Gods will not forget this, and will punish the Angels with 10 healthy, spry years in 2008.
