John Updike Dead; Dick Butkus Now Proud Owner of World's Worst Name

Let's be honest: If someone showed you this picture, most of you would assume it was a Mad Magazine cover, and fold the picture together like you were making a paper airplane. John Updike? Nonsense, what a fictitious name! Why, if you fold here and here, it's actually Spiro Agnew riding a jackalope!

Yes, many of you would be shocked to find out that actually is John Updike on the cover of Time Magazine, and that as Ron Burgundy would say, he's kind of a big deal. Back in the day when people used to read these thingamajigs called "novels," Updike was the shot caller of his time, and quite the scoundrel. He was particularly known for his racy passages that warmed the cockles of all who read. To honor his passing, let's remember some of his tawdier moments. Warning: NSFW!!!

• "A ridge of dew appeared on Geruthe's upper lip, which bore transparent down he had never noticed before." Nice, but a little too subtle for our taste. Let's crank it up a notch, shall we?

• "with his tongue and eyes and rethickened horn, all the truth
  about herself that she could hold. . .He uncovered in her not just the warrior but
  the slave." Now we're getting somewhere! Updike, you S&M scalawag, you! What else you got?

• "Had he bid her lie down in pigshit she would have squeezed her
  buttocks together in the clench and rejoiced to be thus befouled." Aarghh!! What the fuck just happened???
  

But, alas, he is no longer, and so we weep for another death without a proud Death Pool owner to match. It would have been a tough name to pull at the draft, but had you done your homework, you would have learned that he was battling cancer. Pool, we need to step it up a notch! Let no death go unrewarded!

Soon to come: Februrary Power Rankings!