January Power Rankings!

It's that special time of year. The beginning of the Death Pool Season. When hope springs eternal, and every team thinks that this could be their year. When every pick feels like a good pick, every celebrity seems on the verge of death, and little separates your roster from a cold hospital bed.

In honor of this special season, we present the first Power Rankings for 2009. Last year, the updating of the Power Rankings was, shall we say, spotty at best. However, a new year brings renewed optimism, and the hopes that this year the Monthly Power Rankings will actually be, well, monthly. Without further adieu, here are your first rankings for 2009, along with the always-slightly-amusing roster breakdown:

1. Tomorrow's History (Bruce):

Our defending champion claims the top spot to begin the year, a bad sign for the rest of the league, as he also had the top spot last January, and went on to win the title. Of course, that was due in large part to the History's savvy drafting of bed-ridden Carl Karcher, leading to a quick kill before most teams shook off their New Year's hangover. This year things won't be so easy.

Veterans Art Linkletter, Walter Cronkite, and Joan Fontaine return to a crotchety History squad that boasts several members well into their 90's. In addition, they were able to pick up some talented free agents, led by the controversial Miep Gies, formerly of the OC Angels. The selection of the 99-year-old Gies was met with grumbles and groans all the way around, as again there were calls for her (his?) disqualification. Unfortunately, much like the designated hitter and Ryan Seacrest, accepting Gies appears to be a bad decision that will haunt us for years to come.

Best Pick: Rose McCain. Classic History, finding a person that everyone knows but nobody would think to pick. That's how you win championships.

Worst Pick: Roger Clemens. Uncharacteristic move by GM Bruce of picking with the heart instead of the head. Sure, it would be nice, but the Mitchell Report has come and gone, and there were much more deserving candidates out there.

X-Factor: Gies. Sure, 99 is ripe to pass away, but will we actually find out about it in 2009? According to the world's most reputable news source, Wikipedia, Gies lives somewhere in a cottage in Northern "Holland," and hasn't done media interviews in a couple years. Gies doesn't even have a picture on Wikipedia. For God's sake, anal beads have their own picture on Wikipedia! And yes, we wrote that sentence solely to pull in the crowd of people Googling "miep gies" with "anal beads."


2. Quoth the Raven (Brock)


Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. That's been the story for the Ravens (formerly Highway to Hell) the last two years. They suffered a rollercoaster of emotions in late December, getting clutch passing from Sammy Baugh's final Hail Mary to pull into a tie for first place, only to watch Mark Feldt (Deep Throat) go down immediately after to pull out victory for the History. It was an impressive showcase of talent, but as they say, in hard times, cream rises to the top.

Where does that leave the Ravens? They are still in a good position to challenge for this year's title, with returners Karl Malden, Betty Ford, and Les Paul leading the way. They were also able to pick up one of the top 2-point players, the original "pick with your head, not with your heart" person, Michael J. Fox.

Best Pick: Gloria Stuart. 98 years old, and still undoubtably traumatized by the fact that she lost her best chance at an Academy Award to Kim freakin' Basinger. Really, what do you have to live for after that point?

Worst Pick: Jonathan Lipnicki. Just turned 18, and according to his MySpace account, last logged in right before New Year's Eve. So if New Year's partying didn't kill him, that's one giant hurdle already cleared for 2009.

X-Factor: Paula Abdul. Will it be one step forward, or two steps back? Thank you, we're here all week! Don't forget to tip your waitress!!


3. The Boneyard (Jess)



Another team that thought they were part of the six-way orgy of first-place death before Deep Throat went down, the Boneyard (formerly the Kiss of Death) brings a formidable collection of senility and bad health to the table. Although there is plenty of talent to go around, questions remain after a widely-publicized fallout between the ownership. Former co-owner Erin decided to break from what could have been an up-and-coming dynasty to start her own rogue organization, the newly formed Bring Out Yer Dead. Without management on the same page, sole remaining owner Jess had to go into the offseason flying solo. Without Erin, whose specialty was in the gossip, entertainment, and shit-talking to Bruce industries, the Boneyard suffered a bit in collecting valuable under-50 picks. However, their old folk look solid. They were in the enviable position of having more people worth keeping than positions available, but wisely held on to Zsa Zsa Gabor, Kirk Douglas, and C. Everett Koop. That, plus huge free agent pickup Olivia de Haviland (formerly of the Dead Parrots) form a solid core that was made even better with the addition of Peter Falk.

By the way, apparently the picture above is the logo of some "beer farm/mesquite grill" in Cleveland. It is now the official logo of the Boneyard, and we can't fault them. We think that picture may be the greatest thing Cleveland has contributed to society since the steamer.

Best Pick: Falk. The Golden Boy of the draft, due to a December 2008 announcement that he was in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's, the 'Yarders were shocked that Falk fell to them with the 5th overall pick (after keepers). GM Jess stated, "We believe Falk has the potential to be the face of our franchise for a very, very short time."

Worst Pick: Horatio Sanz. Audible gasps were heard throughout the Draft Room when this pick was made. Clearly the loss of Erin is being felt already, and the New York Daily News was quick to pile on with a cheesy "Bonehead!" headline on the back page. Jess will clearly have to search quickly for an Entertainment & Young Druggie Guru to help his team become a well-rounded franchise.

X-Factor: Whitney Houston. Other than being sued by her stepmom, we haven't heard much from Whitney lately. That could be real good, or real bad.


4. Icons of America Assassin (Carroll)

Our highest rated new team, the Assassins, is led ironically not by one of their beloved American heroes, but by Chemical Ali, due to be executed at some point soon. A guaranteed point? Veteran move by the newcomer.

GM Carroll also showed his refusal to pick with his heart. In fact, we're not sure he actually has one, as the Los Angeles-based, basketball-playing Jew jumped on the chance to take Tommy Lasorda, John Wooden, and Sandy Koufax. But he didn't stop at pissing off Angelinos. He hit up every other major market in America, selecting George Steinbrenner (New York), Bill Russell (Boston), Nancy Reagan (red states), and the Pope (Catholics). His collection of national treasures will be a yearlong social experiment to find out whether karma does in fact exist. For his sake, Carroll better hope not.

Best Pick: Ali. For the reasons stated above, perhaps the single best pick of the draft.

Worst Pick: 50 Cent. C'mon now, he's not really a gangsta! How long has it been since a real rapper, not some two-bit player, was actually killed, and not just shot at? These guys have posses looking out for them at all times now, they're the gravy train better protected than the President. You think some journalist would have gotten two shoes off and thrown at Fiddy? He'd be dead before the first one hit the ground.

X-Factor. John Wooden. Look, we all know the Wizard is playing with house money. But the guy never drank, never smoked, stayed in great health, and has people looking after him all the time after his fall last year. And something tells me he's going to make it to 100.


5. The Black Hand (Popovich)

Another returner, the Hand again bost a decent squad, but have yet to produce the corresponding results. Could this be the year? The 2009 season didn't get off to the best start, as GM Popovich went Mike Tice on us, and had a draft day filled with blunders, starting with his failure to show at the draft. Unlike the Lucky Fours, who made up for their absence with a list of over 100 potential draft picks categorized by over and under 50, the Hand simply emailed a list shorter than Verne Troyer. And then they didn't even pick Verne Troyer! Thus, the under-50's are still incomplete, with the clock ticking to fill out their roster. Until then, the Hand does boast a decent stable of geezers, doing well by signing free agents Peter O'Toole, Jimmy Carter, and Mickey Rooney.

Best Pick: Margaret Thatcher. The Iron Lady can't last forever. Saucy minx.

Worst Pick: Picking TBD three times. Oh wait, that's To Be Determined, because Pop can't send enough people to fill out a damn roster. Lazy ass. You know you're lazy when you make Scott look like the Mel Kiper of Death Pool. Side note: If ESPN ever decides he's outdated and replaces him with Todd McShay, Mel immediately becomes a top prospect for future Death Pools. "I love his mental breakdown potential, Jaws, along with that great Michael-Douglas-in-Falling-Down look on his face. You can't coach hypertension!"

X-Factor: The TBD's, obviously. Are there some quality prospects still on the Big Board? Sure. Will the Hand grab them? It remains to be seen. Hey, why not stick with the theme and pick one of the guys from Franz Ferdinand!


6. The Lucky Fours (Scott & Maile)

Our final returning team submitted another quality roster this year, but one with a glaring fatal flaw: the inability to confirm death. Sure, Fidel Castro and Kim Jong-il sound like great picks, but they are nothing more than the J.D. Drew and Fred Taylor of fantasy Death Pool. The numbers seem great, the potential is there, but they're due to let you down because you don't really know if they're already dead. And you may never find out.

The Fours went with a political theme this year, adding Ariel Sharon and Ted Kennedy to the aforementioned Drew & Taylor. This is a common draft strategy of hording one particular asset. In this case, co-GM's Scott & Maile are banking on the fact that some political figure has to die this year, and there's a good chance that they've picked that person.

Best Pick: Jerry Lewis. Forget the fact that his selection was met with a chorus of "He's still alive???" (always a great feeling as a GM). All you need to know is that in July of 2008 he was arrested for carrying a concealed weapon in Las Vegas, a violation of the Pac-Man Jones Rain Dance Bill. Sure, Lewis claimed it was a gift and a non-functioning weapon, but Vegas police disagreed, saying the gun worked. So, to summarize, we have an 82 year old man with a history of health problems and bizarre behavior who's known to pack heat in Sin City. Bravo, Fours, bravo.

Worst Pick: David Blaine. Again, how will we know??

X-Factor: Joaquin Phoenix. Great Heath Ledger potential here, but who knows. A year from now, this pick could be legendary or quite forgettable.


7. The Bucket List (Bobby)

Another newcomer with a solid roster. However, unlike Carroll's cold heart and instant villain status, rookie GM Bobby managed to tread through the treacherous waters of drafting without rocking the boat too much. Of course, in the world of Death Pool, as in life, nice guys finish last.

Despite a late draft position, the Buckets acquitted themselves nicely in the first few rounds, picking up an ill Steve Jobs, and the freewheeling octogenarian George H.W. Bush. However, these picks were sandwiched by Al Davis and Joe Paterno, a couple of sports figures who were perhaps reaches for where they were drafted. Davis seemed to be a pick with the heart, a classic rookie mistake, while Paterno's stock took a hit when he decided right before the Rose Bowl to coach from up in the press box as opposed to the sidelines, depriving us all of moments such as this.

Best Pick: Jobs. Smart move, someone who could get the Buckets on the scoreboard soon.

Worst Pick: Plaxico Burress. You don't get a lot of young athlete suicides anymore, and Burress didn't strike us as someone hopped up on 'roids or drugs. So really you're banking on another accidental shooting, this time fatal. Plax can't be that dumb. . .can he?

X-Factor: Chyna. The most exciting pick of the draft, as Bobby showed right away his grasp of the role of technology in Death Pool drafting. While others sat and thought about who to pick, the Buckets went secretly to their trusty iPhone for the latest news on TMZ, which led them to a developing story on Chyna being rushed to the hospital with cuts on her arms. Although it didn't prove fatal, it is certainly a story to watch in 2009, and a great opportunity to pick up 2 points.


8. Bring Out Yer Dead (Tori & Erin)

The rogues of the draft, the Dead are made up of former Kiss of Death co-owner Erin, and Raven puppetmaster Tori. Rather than stick with their collective allegiances, the duo decided to join forces and strike out on their own with the fledgling Dead team.

Curiously, Erin's background in entertainment and gossip didn't lead to as promising results in the under-50 category as one might expect. Sure, the Blaaaake pick is always fun to announce, but how likely is it? With people such as Mike Tyson, Tara Reid, and Paula Abdul still available, was this the best available?

That is not to say the Dead are without talent. There are certainly some bright spots here. EdMcMahon was a quality free agent pickup, and Robert Byrd is due to drop any minute. However, Cloris Leachman took a hit soon after being picked by showing up for the coin flip at the Rose Bowl and looking quite spry. The fate of the franchise seems tied to their bold strategy of picking Ted Stevens and Robert Mugabe. Going for the guilt trip suicide or enraged citizen murder has long been a favorite drafting theory of ours, but hasn't paid off much. Will it work in 2009?

Best Pick: Chuck Berry. He's due.

Worst Pick: Lil' Wayne. See 50 Cent. This isn't the 90's anymore, people.

X-Factor: Other than Stevens and Mugabe as mentioned above, we're going to go with Jodi Sweetin. A curious choice when made, until it was revealed she was going through a bitter divorce and was off the wagon. Now she could be the late-round sleeper that gives the Dead the credibilitiy they've been looking for.


9. Pink is the New Death (Kelly +1, Michael, some guy named Captain)

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. The Pink were one of the favorites to win in 2008, due in part to their fantastic choice of Amy Winehouse, and now they start in the cellar to open 2009. Aside from Winehouse, there's not much to hope for. This appears to be a one-woman team. Sure, someone could hassle the Hoff into his grave, and Elizabeth Edwards is a solid selection, but it may not be a good thing when your under-50's look more likely to die than your old folk.

That said, the under 50's are quite a solid collection of talent. There is certainly hope for the future with Winehouse, Artie Lang, Stephen Adler, and Owen Wilson joining everyone's 2009 Head over Heart Winner, President-elect Barack Obama. Fab 5 indeed! But Mark Mangino's not going anywhere, not when he's one half of the hilarious Mangino duo (do yourself a favor and click the link, it never stops being funny). And Keith Richards died years ago, he's just a rotting corpse at this point that you'll never get credit for.

Best Pick: Keeping Winehouse. Just because you haven't heard much lately doesn't mean she's not ready to OD. She's higher rated than many of the old folk taken, and worth double the points!

Worst Pick: Mangino. C'mon, the comedy gods won't kill him just so this keeps making us laugh!

X-Factor: Michael Jackson. Let's face it, he's been an X-factor for a long, long time now.


There you have it, your initial Power Rankings! Feel free to tell us how wrong we are in the comments. Of course, we're sure that as we hit "publish post," a story will come across that David Hasselhoff and Blaaaake were killed in a car crash that started when Lil' Wayne shot at 50 Cent.