February Power Rankings!

One month down, and not much activity at Death Pool Central, especially compared to last year. Is it the surprisingly warm January we've had in Southern California, home to many former celebrities and current roster-fillers? Whatever the cause, a few teams have still positioned themselves better than others to get on the board in short time.

Without further adieu, on to the Rankings. Last month's rankings are in parentheses, and once again, because it's February, we're going NBA team comparisons this time around:

1. The Bucket List - Bobby (7)

Vaulting to the top of the list due to the bad news about Steve "LeBron" Jobs, the Buckets are clearly contenders in 2009. Of course, we had pegged Jobs as the clear star of the team in the preseason, so this wasn't unexpected. In order for the Buckets to maintain this ranking, Jobs will need some help from role players like George H.W. and Barbara Bush, and talented screwup Chyna. It remains to be seen whether there is enough talent around him to bring them a title in their first year.

NBA team: Clearly, the Cleveland Cavaliers.

2. The Lucky Fours - Scott & Maile (6)

The second of three teams with players making headlines recently, the Fours are in good position due to the unpredictable health of Ted Kennedy. However, they are more than just a one fat unbearable drunken Irishman (excuse the redundancies) team. Jerry Lewis is yet to be heard from, but provides a quality 1-2 punch to make up for some of the other members whose deaths may go unreported. Even their under-50's have some potential to contribute.

NBA team: The Orlando Magic. Is that the best comparison? Probably not. But it's fun to think about Ted Kennedy flying through the air with a basketball and a Superman cape on a la Dwight Howard in the Dunk Competition last year.

3. Pink is the New Death - Kelly +1, Michael, some guy named Captain (9)

The last contender in the top group of teams, due solely to the ailing Patrick Swayze. We still aren't too impressed with the rest of the roster though. It's probably not a good thing if your next roster member most likely to die this year is Barack Obama, the most carefully-protected man in the United States. But with Swayze whittling away before our eyes, the Pink has a great chance of getting a quick point and putting themselves at or near the top of the leaderboard. Basically, they are a poor man's Bucket List.

NBA team: The Miami Heat, with Swayze as Dwayne Wade. Hey, they both have WAY in their names! Plus, I would love to see Swayze do a T-Mobile commercial with Charles Barkley.

Swayze: "Hey Chuck, can I be in your Fave 5?"
Barkley: "Man, who the f*** are you? Can somebody bring me a jelly donut?"
Doo-doo-doo-DOO-doot. T-Mobile!

4. The Boneyard - Jess (3)

White Mamba!

The good news: Ruth Bader Ginsburg has been diagnosed with cancer, thus giving Lady Justice the opportunity to help get her fellow Columbian on the board.

The bad news: C. Everett Koop is still an avid supporter of Life Alert, ensuring that when he does take a turn for the worse, paramedics will be on scene in no time, increasing the odds of a Death Pool owner's worst nightmare, a near-death revival.

Still, overall this is a solid, well-rounded team that has a good shot at winning the title. Ginsburg's condition, along with the already-dying Peter Falk, the old-as-hell Olivia de Haviland, and still-in-ill-health Zsa Zsa Gabor are a dangerous nucleus, and there are a couple younger people capable of contributing as well (Tara Reid & Tawny Kitaen). Sure, there is a little bit of wasted space (we're still shaking our heads at the Horatio Sanz pick), but the Boneyard has potential to reach that magical 3-point season.

NBA team: The Lakers. Why? Because we want to be the Lakers, dammit. And Peter Falk in advanced stages of Alzheimer's has to be just as deadly as Kobe. From now on, Falk shall be known as White Mamba. And Horatio Sanz is Sun Yue.

5. Tomorrow's History - Bruce (1)

The defending champs didn't really fall to 5th as much as the other teams moved up to pass them. Of course, that's not going to help Bruce sleep better at night. Only a bottle of whiskey can do that. His team is still in decent position to put up points, and has reliable, capable curmudgeons, but there is no new or exciting news about any of them. Are we sleeping on them, or is their team, unlike their roster, dead in the water? Only the slow, painful passage of time will tell.

NBA team: Boring players, former champs? Has to be the San Antonio Spurs. We'd love to have Popovich play the role of Greg Popovich because it makes for a nice story, but quite frankly, his team sucks. The Spurs deserve more respect than that.

6. Quoth The Raven - Brock (2)

Not the best sign for your Death Pool hopes.

Bad News Alert: Check out this article a couple weeks ago in the Orange County Register. Jack LaLanne at 94 is in better shape than his owner Brock. Not a good sign for the Ravens. Or Brock.

On the flip side, they still have a solid roster. Re-signing Les Paul was a great decision, and Gloria Stuart's pacemaker can't keep going on. We will see if Brock's Godfather obsession helps or hurts him with Abe Vigoda.

NBA team: The Houston Rockets. And the article on LeLanne is basically the equivalent of the inevitable Yao Ming or Tracy McGrady season-ending injury. Either way, despite the potential you know you're going to get nothing from the person the rest of the year.

7. Icons of America Assassin - Carroll (4)

Not much news for the Icons the last month. However, they are still lurking as a dark horse in this race, although nobody wants to admit it. We'll be damned before we consider the possibility of our beloved John Wooden. . .well, you know. We can't bring ourselves to say it. Even thinking about Sandy Koufax or Tommy Lasorda leaving this world and going to My Blue Heaven turns the room a little bit dusty. But that doesn't mean this team doesn't have potential. And at the very least, there's always Chemical Ali, one person we can root for death to come to quickly.

NBA team: The Dallas Mavericks, right down to the obnoxious owner.

8. Bring Out Yer Dead - Tori & Erin (8)

Upon further review, this isn't a bad team. On the other hand, it still doesn't look like a particularly dangerous team either. Many of their old people have been in the news lately, and not for the right reasons (injury, illness, or mental breakdown). Aretha Franklin, although possibly losing her mental awareness based on her choice of hat at President Obama's inaguration, didn't look like she will be going anywhere anytime soon. Ed McMahon was still spry in a Super Bowl ad. And now the lawyers who prosecuted Ted Stevens are in hot water, taking public ire away from Stevens. Still, although their team isn't producing right now, there's still some talent to be had. The Dead are in need of a turnaround. NBA team: Hmm, underachievers whose whole right now is less than the sum of their parts. We're going with the Chicago Bulls. Although those in the know would have said the 1990's Aliso Niguel Wolverines.

9. The Black Hand - Popovich (5)

We did some research, staying up at all hours of the night checking our facts before we made the following statement:

In the three year history of this Death Pool, Popovich has never had a single kill.

We find that remarkable. Pop, you should think of it as a blessing and not a curse. Each year you give the gift of life to those who are hanging on by the slimmest of margins by selecting them for your team. Celebrities will be offering you money and lavish gifts to be the next member of the Black Hand. Can the Hand cure cancer? Farrah Fawcett thinks so.

NBA team: Who else? The LA Clippers. A sad, sad history.