2011 Power Rankings, volume 1!

Yes, with the new season comes the always-anticipated release of Power Rankings.  This version is a little different, as we already have an early leader, with Sargent Shriver getting Tomorrow's History on the board first. (Update:  Quoth the Raven is now on the board as well).  However, we've seen this dance from the History before, as Bruce's team has been out in front almost every year, but only once has walked away with the big prize.  Will they be able to keep the lead all season, or is History bound to repeat itself?  (Yes, much like our team The Boneyard, the bad puns are still in preseason form).  Let's break it down.

1.  Tomorrow's History (Bruce)

Team owner Bruce (center), with key free agent acquisitions Ray Bradbury and Dick Van Dyke.

What to watch for:  First to blast, last to dash?

      2008 Death Pool Champions, and perennial contenders Tomorrow's History will once again be a force of death in 2011.  As mentioned above, a key to their season will be how well they handle the spotlight, and the pressure that comes with taking an early lead.  While much has been made of a successful off-season that netted sought-after ill folk such as Ray Bradbury and Harmon Killebrew,  the History will have to get production from core veterans like Mama McCain as well if it hopes to take home the title.  Otherwise it will be another episode of Too Little, Too Soon:  The Bruce Carlisle Story.

X-Factor: Lindsay Lohan

While the History boast a formidable group of old people as usual, they once again fell short in the under-50 category, with the exception of Lohan.  The former first round draft pick was a bargain buy for Bruce, and she'll be counted on to carry the craziness on behalf of all the young people.  If she can deliver another classic Lohan meltdown, the History will be tough to beat.  Otherwise, the wasted roster space of Albert Haynesworth and Ryan Gosling could open the door for everyone else.

Gosling was nominated for a Golden Globe, GQ Man of the Year, and has two movies opening in 2011, so despite the deuchestache and some Heath Ledger potential, we don't think he's going anywhere yet.

 NFL Team Comparison:  Indianapolis Colts

This one's pretty easy.  A title a couple years ago, an upset loss last year, and at least one person on each team (Sargent Shriver and Indy coach Jim Caldwell) has already seen their career come to an end in 2011.  Throw in Bruce's love for Peyton Manning, and it's a done deal.  But will the History also flame out early in 2011?

2.  Quoth the Raven (Brock and Tori)

 

What to watch for:  The end of old entertainment


The Ravens have once again stocked up on old actors, a tried and true formula that should keep them in the running.  This year's crop includes Ernest Borgnine, Doris Day, Elizabeth Taylor, and Mr. Raven himself, Abe Vigoda, who we believe is tied with Peter O'Toole of the Black Hand for longest tenure with one team.  Owners Brock and Tori almost made it back to back championships in 2010, missing by a single point, and finishing in a tie for second with approximately 326 other teams.  However, they are off to a great start with the death of Jack LaLane, who was taken with the team's last old person selection.  

"Sometimes when a guy gets passed over by so many teams and taken that low, he goes out and dies with a chip on his shoulder," Brock said.  "In Jack's case, there had been whispers about his health being good, and stories he was still in the gym every day cranking out push-ups.  That probably led to him falling where he did, but we always had faith.  After all, at the end of the day, you're still talking about a man in his mid-90's.  But I'm sure it bothered Jack, he's a great competitor, and hearing the doubters may have been just the motivation he needed to get us on the board."

No formal announcement has been made yet, but Ravens insiders tell us LaLane will have a private ceremony for family and team officials, and had chosen to be cremated with his state of the art juicer.


X-Factor:  Kim-Jong Il


A surprising pick for a franchise which prides itself in conservative selections, and has often criticized other teams selecting Fidel Castro.  Il, like Castro, would be a good pick if DPL officials felt they were receiving reliable reports from the leader's country.  No death points may be awarded retroactively once a season has concluded, so it is a big gamble to bet that not only will Il pass this year, but that we'll actually find out about it as well in 2011.  For all the smart choices made by the Ravens, putting their faith in North Korean information services does not appear to be a wise one, unless PR wizard Tori has connections we don't even know about yet.


NFL Team Comparison:  Pittsburgh Steelers


You were expecting the Baltimore Ravens?  While that would certainly be very convenient for this write-up, it would do a disservice to the DPL Ravens, who have actually won a title in the last couple years.  Plus, team mascot Bogie has the same hair as Troy Polamalu.

3.  The Boneyard (Jess)

What to Watch For:  Exorcising of Demons

Will this finally be the year that the Boneyard breaks through with a title?  The long-suffering fanbase has seen the team come close the last two years, with last year being especially painful, given the last-minute draft day decision to pass on Dennis Hopper.  However, hope springs eternal, and fans of the 'Yard are once again optimistic about their chances.  Why not?  Team MVP Zsa Zsa Gabor is off to a hot start already, losing a leg and selling her house before the first month is over.  The nonagenarian sister duo of Olivia de Haviland and Joan Fontaine returns as well.  But all the buzz in the off-season has been about Roger Ebert, the team's first "pick with your head, not with your heart" selection in some time.  If he can live up to expectations, this could be the year the franchise has been waiting for since their inception.  One bad note for the team:  DPL Correspondent Josh reports that on a recent vacation in the Bahamas, he ran into Jimmy Carter, who seemed to be in good health and spirits.  Information that would have been useful BEFORE the draft!!

X-Factor:  Charlie Sheen

It's always a little dangerous picking the "out-of-control" celebrity of the hour.  As we've seen from past selections such as Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse, the results often fail to live up to the hype, while people like Brittney Murphy, Corey Haim, and Brad Renfro slip through the cracks and go unselected.  Particularly when the celebrity in question is still earning a paycheck, there are just too many reasons for them to stay alive.  However, Sheen definitely has the potential to buck this trend, and be one of the first "obvious" picks to follow through and live up to his potential. 

This is a good start.

NFL Team Comparison:  New York Jets 


Long time without a title?  Check.  Most quotable coach/owner in the league?  You're reading this, aren't you?  Hopefully the Boneyard season doesn't end with a disappointing finish and fetish videos of Nancy popping up all over the Internet.  Again.


4.  The Requiem (Jen & Kevin)

What to watch for:  Some blasts from the past

The Requiem is a new franchise in name only, as team owner Jen has been through the battles of the DPL before, with success.  Under her watchful eye, the OC Angels were the first franchise to break the John Wooden rule, and select John Wooden.  While Jen wasn't around to see her pick come to fruition, the one we called Coach passed in her honor.  

This year's Requiem has some solid veterans who will be familiar to DPL followers, but it's their crop of newcomers that should give them the edge over other franchises.  Sure, Aretha Franklin and Peter Falk should be valuable picks, but Jen's trademark creativity was fully on display with selections such as the Lockerbie Bomber and Ali Khamenei.  It's the ability to come up with obscure-but-not-too-obscure names that others don't think of that gives you an edge when you're playing for death.


X-Factor:  Christopher Hitchens


Without much talent in the under-50 department (unless you're a Miley Cyrus believer, and even then, we're probably still a couple years away from her first major Britney/LiLo debacle), Hitchens could be the difference-maker.  The bohemian author is apparently undergoing experimental treatments for his cancer with a world-famous geneticist.  On behalf of every other team in the DPL, we wish him nothing but a full and immediate recovery.


NFL Team Comparison:  Cleveland Browns


Why?  Because when we think of Cleveland, we think of blue-collar, hard-working people.  We think of the proletariat.  And what better way to appreciate the city and its folk than with a glorious pint of refreshing Proletariat beer, compliments of Requiem owner Kevin?    Try some, it's amazing!!

5.  The Lucky Fours (Scott & Maile)

What to Watch For:  Championship hangover

It's often said that the only thing harder than winning a title is defending it, and the Fours will learn that lesson in 2011.  While the team looks decent on paper, we're just not sure they have the intangibles that often make the difference between dying and just getting older.  Fours fans will argue that no team has been in a better position to repeat, as they only lost one of their core members (Merlin Olsen), and picked up the rest of the points with an under-50 death.  However, we would argue they only lost one of their core members because their core is decidedly average.  Prince Phillip?  Undead weight, he's not going anywhere.  Beverly Cleary?  An afterthought of the Reaper, still writing the last chapters of her life.  Of course, maybe we think this because we're still bitter about finishing in second last year.


X-Factor:  Kim-Jong Un


Last year, the Fours shocked the world with a stunning two-point kill, courtesy of Gary Coleman.  Can they catch death in a bottle again with the son of North Korea's leader?  It was a savvy choice, and perhaps the best chance for back-to-back titles.


NFL Team Comparison:  New Orleans Saints


Easy choice.  Last year's champs, a voodoo name for a voodoo city, and a lot of skeptics saying that while they may have a decent team, they are a longshot to repeat.


6.  Prophet of Death (Nancy)

What to Watch For:  Only One Way to Go


2010 was the inaugural season for the Prophets, and it was one to forget.  Not since Lane Kiffin at Tennessee have we seen someone come in talking so much, and delivering so little.  One has to hope that team owner Nancy learned from last year's strategy of not only calling her deaths, but predicting the cause of death as well, seeing as how she went 0 for 15.   


However, Prophet fans have reason to be cautiously optimistic, as this year's squad looks to be improved across the board.  A decent returning cast of Ali, Hugh Downs, and Jerry Lewis now has support from the likes of Andy Rooney, Angela Lansbury, Fats Domino, and rising star Michael Douglas.  Getting Stephen Hawking with their last old pick may have been a steal as well.  Even the under-50's are starting to look better, as wasted picks such as James Franco have been replaced by better prospects, such as Courtney Love and Verne Troyer.


Will they win the title?  Probably not.  Will they get their first kill in franchise history?  It's much more likely than last year.  Do they have the most awesome team mascot in Woody, aka Dogstradamus?  Absolutely!  


X-Factor:  Dick Cheney


A controversial selection, as there is still debate whether he is actually human, or a cyborg sent from the future to destroy the world.  These "character issues" led to him slipping to the later rounds of the draft.  Yes, he's been quiet the last couple years.  Almost too quiet. . .



NFL Team Comparison:  Detroit Lions


In honor of the Prophet's kill-less season last year, we award them the comparison of the last sports franchise to go winless.  Much like the Lions, the future doesn't look quite as bleak for Nancy's team, but you're still not going to worry about them posing any sort of threat to the regular title contenders.  Yet.  Look for Woody to be featured in upcoming commercials sticking his head out the window of a Chrysler while rolling past funeral homes while Eminem blasts in the background:  "This is what we do!  This is Death Prophet City!!"  

 Imported from gsroc.org.

7.  The Black Hand (Marc)

What to Watch For:  Boom or Bust?



The common thread between our bottom two ranked teams is that they didn't get to fully participate in the Death Draft the way their owners would have liked.  Hand owner Marc showed up late, and missed a few key selections, which were auto-drafted for him by rival owner (saboteur?)  Bruce.  As a result, this year's version of the Black Hand isn't quite all Marc's team.  Much like in college football, you need a chance to win with your own players to be properly evaluated, and 2011 may only give us a glimpse, and not a full view, of this team's potential.  


That is not to say they are without talent.  The franchise's love affair with Peter O'Toole is still intact, although that is not necessarily a good thing.  In the DPL, you aim for shooting stars with your selections:  a short but brilliant tenure.  Each team's roster is like a Green Room, and at some point it starts getting awkward for people like O'Toole, who have to watch everyone else go while waiting for their name to be called.  Marc can only hope this is the year the P.O.T. gets to shine.  As he said recently in an interview with the Orange County Register, "There is not one person here who doesn't not want Peter to still be on this team in 2012.  Everyone is just looking for the Grim Reaper to value Peter."  We wanted to break that quote down for you, but got lost somewhere between the second and third negative in the sentence.


X-Factor:  Artie Lange



Often the best selections are stars from years past who didn't deliver, and quickly get forgotten in favor of the new flavor of the week.  Lange fits that description.  A hot commodity at the 2010 draft, he was quickly scooped up by the Boneyard amid rumors of suicide attempts.  However, the year proved rather uneventful, and he became a good value pick for the Hand in 2011.  There's a reason the phrase suicidal tendencies exists, people!  If you felt like that before, you tend to feel like that again at some point, and for that reason, we think Lange was a sneaky good pick that has the potential to be a difference-maker.


NFL Team Comparison:  Philadelphia Eagles


Constantly in the mix of things, but haven't been able to break through.  Plus Marc "isn't a dog person," which makes him the DPL equivalent of Michael Vick.  And anyone who isn't a dog person probably has fans who would boo Santa Claus, so there's that.

Black Hand fans cheering on their team.

8.  Celebrity Stalker (Bobby)

What to Watch For:   Political Chaos


The Stalkers employed a high-risk, high-reward strategy in 2010, doubling down on George H.W. & Barbara Bush, betting that if one went, the other would shortly follow.  It didn't work, but rather than back off and start over, team owner Bobby decided to go even further, and develop a team that, if all his picks came to fruition, would wipe out some of the most important political figures of the last half-century.  The Bushes.  Henry Kissinger.  Shamir.  And because Ronald Reagan wasn't available, Bobby took Nancy in his stead.  And while the Betty White pick was probably a bit premature, Michael J. Fox always gives you some hope for points (even if it's only 1 now instead of 2).  Will American politics of days gone by all die off at once this year?  Probably not, but if we're wrong, the Stalkers will be 2011 Champions.


X-Factor:  Al Davis


We used to laugh whenever Davis was picked, because even though he's getting up there in age, it always felt like a pick with the heart, not the head.  However, with each crazy-ass press conference he holds, Al is starting to feel like a much more viable option.  2011 could be his best performance since the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

NFL Team Comparison:  Oakland Raiders


Nobody really takes them seriously, but they started to make some noise last year, and may be a dark horse now.  Plus Keith Richards looks like the Raider skull, and Lady Gaga dresses like one of their fans.