Death Pool Movers and Shakers: March

In light of the disgusting Amy Winehouse news, we thought it was appropriate to pop out (NOT a pun!) a list of what to expect in the upcoming month. Here are your movers and shakers for the month of March:

Stock Rising:

Amy Winehouse: Just when you think she can't get any hotter without actually dying, Amy steps it up one more level, ensuring her first-ballot election to the Death Pool Hall of Dead People (it's like the Haunted Mansion, without the ballroom dancing) if she can just find a way to keel over.

Fidel Castro: Now that he's no longer running the country, Cuban officials may finally tell us what many of us have known all along: that Fidel actually died sometime during the Reagan Administration, and they've been trotting out impersonators ever since. That, or someone will find him hanging from a resort bedroom with a carving into the wood frame above reading "Fidel was here."

Bob Barker: See Fidel Castro. We imagine Bob has many restless nights worrying about dogs and cats roaming the streets with their genitalia in full bloom.


Stock Falling:

Verne Troyer: Looks like Mini-Me will be kicking ass in the much-anticipated whimsical comedy hit of the summer, Love Guru. Bruce will be there Opening Night, by the way.

Elizabeth Edwards: No way Lizzy will kick the bucket in the shadow of her father's death. Besides, what material would John have left for 2012? I have two Americas for you, Midget Ghost of John Ritter: the one where you exploit your family's suffering for sympathy votes, and the one where you have no shot in hell of ever winning the presidency. Oh wait, those are the same world. Go ahead, try and come and knock on my door, bitch!

Michael Vick: Word on the street is that the most disproportionally-good-in-video-games-compared-to-real-life athlete of all time isn't taking any chances in the clink, and is paying a Mexican gang for protection. Upon hearing the news, Al Davis announced the Raiders would be shoring up their O-line by bringing in members of the Latin Kings.

Last Month's Missed Opportunity: William F. Buckley. Marc could have parlayed this with Georgia Frontiere for a 1-point lead. How can you call yourself the Black Hand and miss this one!! Bruce could have picked the National Review founder, and jumped out to an almost insurmountable 2-point lead. If teaching U.S. History can't lead to payoffs in death pools, when will it ever be useful???

This Month's Missed Opportunity: The Quaid Twins. Sure, it's fun to pick Nicole Ritchie's Unborn Child just to watch your pro-choice friends internally debate whether it's worth fighting over. But why take a fetus when you can have not one, but two critically ill infants?? Sure the kids got over it and are now home and allegedly in good health, but we remain suspicious. What are the odds a hospital can screw up two newborn babies' health, and then both survive the whole year? And for those who say they aren't famous enough, sure, most of us may not know their names, but they were on the cover of People, people! When was the last time Meet Guys made the cover of anything other than some girl's stupid diary??

You May Not Want to Touch Amy Winehouse Any Time Soon

Shocking news out of Britain: Amy Winehouse has been diagnosed with a bacterial skin condition called impetigo. As reported by FOX News (We gossip, you decide!), the 24-year-old train wreck has found a way to get legal access to drugs. According to the O.J. Mayo Clinic for STD's and GRSC's (Groupie-Related Skin Conditions), this cute little bug that could double as a Hitchcock movie title (catch Jimmy Stewart in Impetigo! Only on AMC!!) is actually quite nasty:

"Impetigo starts as a red sore that quickly ruptures, oozes for a few days and then forms a yellowish-brown crust that looks like honey or brown sugar. The disease is highly contagious, and scratching or touching the sores is likely to spread the infection to other parts of the body as well as to other people.”

You know, if you selectively read that quote, you might think you're reading a recipe for pancakes! You'd be wrong though. We're pretty sure the London crackhead community is less than thrilled with this latest development.

Prince Harry Stops Dodging Bullets

Just when things were looking up for Team Valkyrie's band of political targets, an Obama rally where they decided to forgo the metal detectors and weapons screening and pub playboy Prince Harry in war torn Afghanistan, we begin the new month with Obama still orating about change and the only thing the lascivious royal is dodging these days is paternity suits. So maybe the Brits hate Matt Drudge the most, but I guarantee the Valkyries are a close second.

UCLA Tradition Take A Tumble

When the 8th pick of the first round came, the OC Angels made their selection with their heads rather than their hearts when they took UCLA legendary coach John Wooden. Wooden who was one of two members to be protected in the 2007 draft came off the board to an uproar of UCLA alumni who were not born to see the days where UCLA would win Championships instead of losing in final four games. Yesterday the Angels efforts were rewarded when Wooden was hospitalized with a broken wrist and collarbone. OC Angels General Manager Jennifer Carlisle knew that this pick would cause problems. She was quoted today as saying "It is sad to see an old legend fall, and the UCLA people will always be mad that they are on our board. Hopefully they will just as passionate when we draft Jim Harrick next year to take Wooden's place." This controversial strategy came about when South Coast League basketball legends Andrea Jacobs and Amanda Engle reworked the Pyramid of Success they were weened on to place "Untimely Death" at the pinnacle.

The lesson is as always, the Death Pool truly is a battle to the death with no time to let "feelings" get in the way of victory.