The Boneyard Gets a Leg Up on the Competition

Boneyard personnel hard at work.

The Boneyard, a perennial Miss Congeniality in our beauty pageant of death, received some encouraging news today, as team MVP Zsa Zsa Gabor is now a little lighter on her feet.  Or rather, lighter on her foot, after having one leg amputated above the knee, a result of lingering problems from hip replacement surgery.  While team owner Jess stated he was encouraged by the news in a press conference today, he cautioned not to get too excited, as early reports are that Gabor is recovering nicely.  

Instant Analysis:  While it looks like the team is off to a good start in 2011, Boneyard fans can’t help but wonder where this productivity was last year, when the team came so close to winning it all, but couldn’t get over the hump.  “The double whammy of Zsa Zsa making it through 2010, plus management drafting Peter “Sam Bowie” Tork over Dennis Hopper could haunt the franchise for a long time,” said an unnamed general manager.  “They had the title right there in front of them, and it slipped away.”

Your 2011 Death Pool Rosters!

Artistic rendition of the Death Pool War Room.

The Lucky Fours (Scott & Maile)

1. B.B. King

2. Ariel Sharon

3. Prince Phillip

4. Beverly Cleary

5. Phyllis Diller

6. Annette Funicello

7. Harey Carey Jr.

8. Arnold Palmer

9. Shirley Temple

10. Queen Elizabeth II

Under 50

1. Macaulay Culkin

2. Kim-Jong Un

3. Corey Feldman

4. Owen Wilson

5. Mary-Kate Olsen

The Requiem (Jen and Kevin)

1. Aretha Franklin

2. Chris Hitchens

3. Peter Falk

4. Ali Khamenei

5. Ruth Bader Ginsburg

6. Etta James

7. Oscar Niemeyer

8. Luise Rainer

9. The Lockerbie Bomber

10. Doc Serverinsen

Under 50

1. David Arquette

2. Joe Francis

3. Mischa Barton

4. Andy Dick

5. Miley Cyrus

Prophet of Death (Nancy)

1. Mohammed Ali

2. Jerry Lewis

3. Hugh Downs

4. Andy Rooney

5. Michael Douglas

6. Fats Domino

7. Angela Lansbury

8. Jake Lamotta

9. Dick Cheney

10. Stephen Hawking

Under 50

1. Bret Michaels

2. Courtney Love

3. Verne Troyer

4. T.I.

5. Bear Grylls

Celebrity Stalker (Bobby)

1. George H.W. Bush

2. Barbara Bush

3. Nancy Reagan

4. Al Davis

5. Keith Richards

6. Yitzhak Shamir

7. Henry Kissinger

8. Michael J. Fox

9. Betty White

10. Tommy Lasorda

Under 50

1. Lady Gaga

2. Steve-O

3. Brett Favre

4. Emmanuel Lewis

5. Lil Wayne

The Black Hand (Marc)

1. Mickey Rooney

2. Harry Morgan

3. John Paul Stevens

4. Peter O'Toole

5. Fidel Castro

6. Margaret Thatcher

7. Dick Clark

8. Joe Paterno

9. Marion Berry

10. Ozzy Ozbourne

Under 50

1. Artie Lang

2. Leif Garrett

3. Mike Tyson

4. Scott Weiland

5. Darryl Strawberry

Quoth the Raven (Brock & Tori)

1. Elizabeth Taylor

2. Kim-Jong Il

3. Abe Vigoda

4. Billy Graham

5. Nelson Mandela

6. Ernest Borgnine

7. Bob Dole

8. Doris Day

9. Monty Hall

10. Jack LaLane

Under 50

1. Snooki

2. Demi Lovato

3. Jamarcus Russell

4. Bobbi Brown

5. Amy Winehouse

The Boneyard (Jess)

1. Zsa Zsa Gabor

2. Betty Ford

3. Olivia de Haviland

4. Roger Ebert

5. Chuck Berry

6. Joan Fontaine

7. Jack Klugman

8. Jimmy Carter

9. Gene Wilder

10. Osama bin Laden

Under 50

1. Suge Knight

2. Biz Markie

3. Fat Joe

4. Tara Reid

5. Charlie Sheen

Tomorrow's History (Bruce)

1. Mama McCain

2. Sergeant Schriver

3. Kirk Douglas

4. Sherwood Schwartz

5. C. Everett Koop

6. Ray Bradbury

7. Harmon Killebrew

8. Dick Van Dyke

9. Sid Caesar

10. Judge Wapner

Under 50

1. Lindsay Lohan

2. Kate Moss

3. Albert Haynesworth

4. Ryan Gosling

5. Julian Assange

Your 2010 Death Pool Champion: The Lucky Fours!

Lucky Fours co-owner Scott Sanders celebrates his victory in the background.

Well, another wild ride has come to an end, and after all the dust settled, The Lucky Fours, led by owners Scott & Maile, went off into the sunset with the 2010 Death Pool trophy. In perhaps the most competitive season ever, one in which more teams than ever before had multiple kills, and all but one team (newcomer Nancy, in a classic case of rookie jitters) had at least one, it was the smallest death of them all that made the biggest difference.

Yes, the tiebreaker that put the Lucky Fours ahead of everyone else was none other than Mr. Gary Coleman. All other teams with two kills were of the over-50 variety, giving the Fours the edge by a single point, and leaving all other teams to wonder "What if?"

While it would be nice to take a moment to reflect on the Fours' first title in franchise history, we're not going to do so. Mostly because our team didn't win (again), but also because January is already upon us, and a new season has begun! 2011 promises to be yet another intense battle, full of incredible kills, inexcusable omissions, and terrible post headlines. Starting rosters and initial power rankings will be up soon, but as a teaser, let's just say an experienced group of owners have returned and put together an impressive array of talent. For the first time in DPL history, there is not a single rookie owner, which should cut down on the number of drafting mistakes, and increase the total number of points awarded.

It's going to be a great year in dying, let's get it on!