A Noble Warrior Passes On

Here at The Death Pool, we have our share of fun with postings. It's a bit of a can-you-top-this contest to see who can come up with the worst play on words for a heading, and we often make ourselves laugh writing the "stories" that follow the headings. Because after all, if you can make just one person laugh, then it's been all worth it, and damn it if we're not going to make ourselves that one person.

Anyway, those are the good days, and they are bountiful. However, there are also the sad days. The days when someone you don't want to see die is beset by misfortune (no, not you, Heath Ledger. I don't care how kick-ass The Dark Knight looks, you still get no sympathy for "accidentally" overdosing on pills. The only accident we would have accepted would have been you accidentally tripping over your massage table, falling onto your back, and an open pill bottle falling off the table, sending 30 pills freefalling into your mouth as you cried out for help). And of course, the days the dark duty falls upon us to report the falling of a true hero.

Over the weekend, graceful muse and University of Georgia mascot Uga VI gave up a brutal fight with congestive heart failure. Like his daddy and granddaddy before him, Uga VI will be buried in a vault in the corner of Georgia's football stadium. Some have speculated that it was the College World Series that did him in, while others questioned the hefty beast's traditional Southern diet of fried lard and Beam. Perhaps the most telling sign of Uga VI's legacy: the number of comments to ESPN.com's story reporting the death. 319. By comparison:
--Wimbledon updates: 19 comments.
--Spain beating Germany in EURO 2008 (the "world's game"): 18 comments
--WNBA Power Rankings: 1 comment

If that doesn't clearly show that we as sports fans have our priorities in order, we don't know what does. Rest in peace, little Uga. Heaven just got a little more slobbery.

Nobody Has Paul Newman???????

Ok, Sir Edmund Hillary was one thing. And nobody should hang their heads over Heath Ledger. But lately our humble family of tombstone-watchers has been unraveling at the seams, as light has been shed on all the wonderful selections that nobody made. Especially when you consider some of the healthy losers who WERE picked. Perhaps the biggest travesty is Paul Newman. The king of salsa, salad dressing, and air popper popcorn among others, Newman was a no-brainer last year, and yet somehow went undrafted in 2008. What gives? We should be ashamed to call ourselves a collection of death profiteers. If Newman dies, nobody gains! That is the greatest tragedy of all. And of course, like Ted Kennedy, another Free Agent All-Star, Newman is now in some serious trouble. Let us hope for a speedy recovery, so that his death does not go to waste, and someone can select him in Death Pool '09.

We Must Have Been On Something to Miss This

Boy, did we really screw up. Make that a four-way tie for first, as we neglected to note the death of Albert Hoffman, the inventor of LSD, back in late April. Dead Parrots, you have our sincerest apologies, especially since you even made note of such achievement in the comment section back when it happened. Same deal for you, feel free to brag in the comments section here, or email bruce a note, and he'll turn it into a post. Perhaps the worst part of all this is we didn't immediately jump on the golden opportunity to post pictures like the one pictured left! Oh well, you know the old saying, you can lead a horse to water, but not to the glue factory. Or something like that.

All-Star Break Power Rankings, Part One

My, how time flies when you're counting the dead. It seems like just the other day when we were pondering Bruce's early jaunt to the top of the leaderboard. 5 months later, we've almost reached the halfway point of the season, so get ready to revisit the Power Rankings, in a special edition too big to fit into one post. How is your team doing? Who is getting too much respect for their ability to keel over? Is your team of half-deads not getting enough respect?? Weigh in!!!

As always, this highly scientific set of rankings has been thoroughly examined by an independent governing board of bullshit. Previous rankings are in parentheses, and extra snarky remarks are in italics. Oh, and in the spirit of the NBA finals, we decided to compare each team to an NBA franchise. But then we ran out of good comparisons, and started drifting into comparisons from other avenues. And then we decided to play the Waiting Game. But then we decided the Waiting Game sucked, so we played Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Without any further delay. . .

1. DJ Valkyrie (7) - Julie & Dee
We have a new leader! Arthur C. Clarke was a fantastic selection, and there still are a couple quality old fogies on the board. They have placed themselves in prime position to get another kill, or possibly two, before hunting season is over. But Barack Obama's defeat of Hillary Clinton in the Democratic primary is really what put them over the top. As Rudy Tomjanovich famously said (we think), "Never underestimate the heart of a delusional racist!"

Without a doubt, the Valkyries are the Death Pool's version of the Boston Celtics. Mickey Rooney, Peter O'Toole, and Dr. Jack Kevorkian are the Big Three. Just check out what we wrote about Kevorkian in January : "This hard-working soldier of suicide has been the ultimate teammate for several years, giving up his own potential points so others can profit. Will this be the year he finally makes the leap and becomes his own cash cow?" If that isn't the spitting image of Kevin Garnett, we don't know what is. Oh, and Clarke is clearly Sam Cassell, as they've both been corpses for a couple months.

2. The Dead Parrots (6) - David
Not that we like to consider ourselves somewhat of amateur prophets, but we will point out that in the last Power Rankings, we called the Parrots the team everyone forgets about until they start making noise. And sure enough, they got a kill and we completely forgot about them. But the Parrots are more than just Albert Hoffman; they have a nice collection of very old people (Olivia De Haviland is as ripe to die as they come) and washed-up rockers under 50.

We already compared the Parrots to the Toronto Raptors, but with an early kill to their record, and living (or should we say dying) up to their potential so far, that comparison probably needs to come to an end. Perhaps the Phoenix Suns? At least they usually make it out of the first round.

3. The Kiss of Death (8) - The Rodriguezessians
The Kiss are once again in the hunt, with a solid kill of Charlton Heston. The remaining old people still look like solid picks, with Zsa Zsa Gabor looming as the ultimate equalizer. With any luck, Andy Rooney will be biting the dust as well, if for no other reason than the fun we will have writing our victory lap. The Kiss get the nod over Tomorrow's History for having a slightly less mediocre roster of under-50's.

The Kiss are the Lakers. One superstar diva with all the talent (to die) in the world (Gabor), a couple solid starters around them (Rooney & Kirk Douglas), and a bench that looks good on paper, but who few believe will come through on the game's biggest stage.

4. Tomorrow's History (1) - Bruce

The History were the clear-cut choice for #1 when last we met due to the early demise of Carl Karcher. However they knew a single point would not be enough to win this competition, and since then they have been searching for someone else to step up. As mentioned, the History have solid starters/old folk, but a very suspect bench, and with their early peak, its hard not to call them the Dallas Mavericks. They even have the crazy owner to match, albeit a much poorer owner. Unless she goes Heath Ledger on us, Hayden Panettiere is the Jose Barea of the league, a complete waste of roster space (and yes, we had to look up the Mavericks team roster to pull that name out).

5. Pink is the New Death (3) - Kelly Maguire, Emily, Sarah

The Pink really should be called the Winehouse, because she really will make or break their season. Right now, she is still looking like a solid selection, and the potential for the 2-point boost is what has the Pink ranked this high. Nobody else is looking feisty.

As far as comparisons, this is by far the easiest one. Young budding superstar just starting to realize their potential? Weak supporting case that feels like a giant anchor on the superstar? Who else but Lebron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers!

6. The Lucky Fours (5) - Scott & Maile

All-around solid team, just about the opposite of the Pink. Can we say Detroit Pistons? Ali, Bob Barker, Sidney Poitier, and the double Dick action of Clark and Van Dyke is quite impressive. Their young crackhead bench squad is also looking good, though with that kind of drafting philospohy, the Fours have to be a bit disappointed they missed out on Brad Renfro. Oh well, he can't be the only celebrity done in by drugs this year. Let's make it happen, illegal debilitating addiction!!

7. The Icons of America Assassin (2) - Kristin

Lovers of American pop culture can breathe a little easier this month, as some of our beloved friends are looking stable and at least a few months away from death. Arnold Palmer was looking sprite at the U.S. Open, and thankfully Tony Bennett hasn't left his heart anywhere lately. And of course, Britney Spears has fallen far behind Amy Winehouse in the ultimate race to the bottom.

Hmm, a bunch of fan favorites who may or may not be past their prime? Sounds like the New York Yankees of the current century. Lots of talent, no titles.

Stay tuned for Part II of our Power Rankings. We know you'll be waiting with eager anticipation. . .

2008: A Death Odyssey for Arthur C. Clarke

Yes, this happened a while ago, but it still deserves its propers. Arthur C. Clarke passed away at the age of 90 of breathing problems, as in, he ceased to breathe, and that was a problem. However, that was not a problem for the DJ Valkyrie team, which gains a point from Clarke's respitory inadequacies, and moves into a 3-way tie for first. It's a wedding gift come early! Per tradition, we will give them the opportunity to say a few words patting themselves on the backs if they so choose, either in the Comments section, or by emailing Bruce, who can then create a new post. Well played, ladies. It looks like this year's battle, unlike last year's, will come down to the proverbial wire.

Death Pool Blog Brought Back to Life!

After another nice 2-month hibernation, the blog is back, and unlike the last time we went to sleep, the world of death has changed much since last we met. We will not bore you with our excuses, mostly because we hate to apologize. There is a Kill Board that needs updating, many tears that need to be shed for those who passed through our fingertips (Bo Diddley, an early round pick in 2007 with fewer teams, not selected in 2008?? We should all be ashamed of ourselves.) Also, since we are just about to hit the All-Star Break of the season, it seems like an appropriate time to update the Power Rankings. There have been plenty of Movers and Shakers the last couple months. Stay tuned!